Parent, UK
My stories
My School Story
My son was ok at school until he wasn’t. It felt sudden, but in reality I think he’d been struggling since starting secondary. He just froze up one morning and couldn’t get out of the front door. It got worse quite quickly and pretty soon he was missing whole weeks. I asked the school for support, hoping they would know what to do, but they said he was fine when he was there so I just needed to get him in.
We tried everything to get him into school, but the tears turned into panic attacks and he became unable to sleep, constantly feeling sick. I’d spend hours every morning coaxing him to get ready, then more hours in the school car park with him crying and hyperventilating, unable to get out of the car. I tried driving him in earlier, or later, to avoid the rush. We arranged for teachers to meet him at the door, then when he couldn’t get to the door they’d come down to the car and try to persuade him in. We had friends stop by to walk him in, but the pressure just made him feel even worse.
We’d seen the GP and been referred to CAMHS but the wait was months, so we paid for private counselling but nothing made any difference. I asked the school numerous times if he could have work to complete at home but they refused. SENDIASS suggested we ask about an EHCP but the school said he didn’t need one as he was “fine when he’s here”. I rang the Local Authority Education Welfare Officer and they told me the school should be offering alternative provision, but the school told me the LA should pay for this. I went back to the LA but they said no, the school needed to go through certain steps before the LA could offer anything. I now know the LA has a legal duty to offer alternative provision after 15 days of absence, but we didn’t know this at the time and trusted what we were told by the professionals.
We became unable to leave the house as a family. My son told me he wanted to wear all black and be invisible so that no-one looked at him. He told me he was sorry for being useless and a failure. One morning as I was once again trying to coax him up the school path to meet the waiting teacher, he was crying and hyperventilating as he begged me through chattering teeth not to make him go, and I had a sort of out of body experience. I saw us standing there frozen on that path, both so desperately unhappy, and wondered who on earth I was doing this for. My son couldn’t possibly learn anything in this state, and it was destroying our relationship. I took him back to the car, drove him home and promised him I’d never make him go back.
We tried everything to get him into school, but the tears turned into panic attacks and he became unable to sleep, constantly feeling sick. I’d spend hours every morning coaxing him to get ready, then more hours in the school car park with him crying and hyperventilating, unable to get out of the car. I tried driving him in earlier, or later, to avoid the rush. We arranged for teachers to meet him at the door, then when he couldn’t get to the door they’d come down to the car and try to persuade him in. We had friends stop by to walk him in, but the pressure just made him feel even worse.
We’d seen the GP and been referred to CAMHS but the wait was months, so we paid for private counselling but nothing made any difference. I asked the school numerous times if he could have work to complete at home but they refused. SENDIASS suggested we ask about an EHCP but the school said he didn’t need one as he was “fine when he’s here”. I rang the Local Authority Education Welfare Officer and they told me the school should be offering alternative provision, but the school told me the LA should pay for this. I went back to the LA but they said no, the school needed to go through certain steps before the LA could offer anything. I now know the LA has a legal duty to offer alternative provision after 15 days of absence, but we didn’t know this at the time and trusted what we were told by the professionals.
We became unable to leave the house as a family. My son told me he wanted to wear all black and be invisible so that no-one looked at him. He told me he was sorry for being useless and a failure. One morning as I was once again trying to coax him up the school path to meet the waiting teacher, he was crying and hyperventilating as he begged me through chattering teeth not to make him go, and I had a sort of out of body experience. I saw us standing there frozen on that path, both so desperately unhappy, and wondered who on earth I was doing this for. My son couldn’t possibly learn anything in this state, and it was destroying our relationship. I took him back to the car, drove him home and promised him I’d never make him go back.
What happened next...
We started home educating because the school and LA failed him. We were left with no choice. We’ve had to do a lot of learning ourselves to understand how home education can work and how to give him the best opportunities, but now that we’ve started I regret that we didn’t home educate him from the outset.
He’s studying subjects he couldn’t have accessed in school, socialising with a wider range of people, and has more energy for hobbies. He is learning to trust his own choices, growing in confidence and self-awareness. We spend more time together as a family too. Above all this though, and far more precious to me as a parent: he’s finally smiling and enjoying life again.
He’s studying subjects he couldn’t have accessed in school, socialising with a wider range of people, and has more energy for hobbies. He is learning to trust his own choices, growing in confidence and self-awareness. We spend more time together as a family too. Above all this though, and far more precious to me as a parent: he’s finally smiling and enjoying life again.
How I think schools could be better.
There needs to be more choice of settings and learning approaches. More autonomy for children, self-directed learning, far less testing and exam pressure. Let teachers focus on teaching rather than admin and policing pointless uniform policies. Give teenagers a voice, and actually listen to it. Provide opportunities for unstructured play time for older children.
Support children and families suffering attendance difficulties instead of punishing them. If a child refused to go home at the end of the school day, crying and having panic attacks when teachers tried to encourage them to leave, I’m pretty sure questions would be asked about their home environment. Yet when a child behaves this way about school, no-one seems willing to consider that it might be the school environment that’s the problem. Instead the parents are blamed and criminalised.
Support children and families suffering attendance difficulties instead of punishing them. If a child refused to go home at the end of the school day, crying and having panic attacks when teachers tried to encourage them to leave, I’m pretty sure questions would be asked about their home environment. Yet when a child behaves this way about school, no-one seems willing to consider that it might be the school environment that’s the problem. Instead the parents are blamed and criminalised.