Parent, UK

My child appeared to do well at their primary school. They were quiet, well-behaved and achieving well academically. However, they'd often have meltdowns after school and were exhausted - we'd have to spend evenings and weekends recovering so they were ready to do it all again the next day/week. They were constantly stressed and anxious from masking their difficulties all day to try and fit in and 'be good' - eventually we realised they were autistic, and so they weren't getting the support they needed. We started the referral process for an autism assessment, but in our area there's a 4.5 year wait.

Then in 2020 lockdown hit and the schools closed. For the first time, we saw what our child was like without the pressure of the school environment. Suddenly, the meltdowns stopped and we saw our child happy and thriving. Their mask fell off and shattered into a thousand pieces. We realised how different things could be.

However, we still wanted our child to go to school because we trusted the professionals to support our child and we saw them as the experts. We believed the support offered by the school system would be better than what we could offer at home. So, when schools reopened we sent our child back to school. The school were keen to help, but after the time at home, our child just couldn't go back to masking all day. They started having panic attacks in the morning and just couldn't get out the front door. They went from having almost perfect attendance to not being able to attend at all. They had hit autistic burnout.

At this point we started to seriously consider home education. However, the school were very supportive and we worked together to create a support plan to start in the new year. This was to start with home visits with a view to finding out what our child was finding difficult about school and putting support and accommodations in place. We decided to trial the plan for a half term, and if there was no improvement, we would deregister. However, in January 2021 the schools closed again and the plan never started.

Our child's mental health declined and we started a referral to CAHMS. During this time, there was a change of leadership at the school. When they reopened, the support plan was taken away and we were told our child had to be at school for 9am every morning for 20 minutes to start a phased return. At this point, our child couldn't leave the house at all due to anxiety, so it was an impossible situation. When I explained this to the school, they suggested that my husband should physically force our child to school, and that I should do a parenting course. So of course we deregistered.

We deregistered our child and within a couple of weeks their mental health had drastically improved. Knowing they didn't have to return to school seemed to be a weight off their mind. However, it has been a long, slow recovery process and now they are no longer masking, we have realised their level of disability is much higher than we had previously thought. In 2024 they were diagnosed autistic with significant support needs. It is clear that the personalised approach we can offer with home education suits them much better - so much better that we have also deregistered our younger child, who is also autistic and was unhappy and anxious at school.

It has been very hard as a parent supporting two autistic children with significant support needs full time and without the respite school offers. They can't access groups or classes as they get overwhelmed. It has been a very isolating experience. For this reason, I would have preferred them to be at school. However, the school system has only made their difficulties worse, not better. My trust in the system has been completely destroyed.

Home education has saved my children's mental health, and as hard as it is, I will fight for the right to continue doing it because I believe it is in my children's best interests.

My children seem to fall into a gap in provision. Their needs are too high to cope in a mainstream environment, but they are not high enough to be entitled to specialist provision. There needs to be much more flexibility and choice within the system. Schools need to put children's needs first, rather than focusing on the curriculum or exam results.

For my children, what would have made school a safe and happy place would have been flexible, part time attendance, smaller class sizes, and time every day for self-directed learning. Being in a classroom environment with 30 other children all day every day following adult-directed formal lessons was more than they could handle. Being autistic, they learn best as self-directed learners following their own interests.

Schools have become too rigid and controlling. The powers that be have forgotten that children are human beings, not data points. Although there are many teachers and teaching assistants out there who do a wonderful job and genuinely care about their pupils, the education system itself is not the right environment for many children.